Hello, my dear lovelies. I hope all is well in your corners of the universe.
In the lush emerald green of a Canadian summer, I've been trying to connect myself, but time and time getting pushed away by my own increasing depression. I sit in the house so much, filling out applications and despairing when I can't keep my anxiety under control. It is why I haven't been updating. I've felt weak, uninspired, and disconnected.
But I can't always avoid the cure-all that is Mother Nature. Even just having one window open all day and evening drastically lifted my spirits. A short walk in the sun felt glorious to every inch of my body. I felt renewed each time; picked up just a little bit more until I was no longer sludging along the ground like a slug, instead standing a little higher, a little taller.
Increased time with close friends has also helped me a great deal, especially with Liat and Alora, best friends who live together in an adorable little apartment with their dog, Monkey. Not only is it a lot of fun and laughs, but it's helping me gain more personal independence.
And my Cipralex dosage was increased to the maximum, 20mg. I've been on this higher dose for a week now and have had no negative side effects to speak of, except for insomnia that I've had for ages anyway. I would really love to gradually switch to something herbal, but for now I marvel at modern medicine working in my brain and helping me to not be in a dangerous mental place any more. Because life is far too precious, my friends.
Now some trees are changing because Mother Nature seems to think it's September instead of August. The nights have been downright chilly and the days much cooler than they had been. It's slowly heating up again, but I realize autumn is not far off. The Wheel still turns, and I sit and ponder why it has turned so fast. It seems like just yesterday was January.
I have done a few more things in my 100 Things to Do in 2013 list, awesomely! Yes, awesomely is a new word.
22. Learn to swim.
I'm still working on this one, and as much as I seem to fear the water, it will take me time. I improve bit by bit every time I try. On Monday I spent 3 1/2 hours in my friends' building's indoor pool and had a blast. I'm going again on Sunday/Monday and hope to see even more improvement.
62. Continue learning personal independence.
I mentioned this above. This task for 2013 was very important to me. My anxiety issues have caused me to cling hard to Trevor since the beginning, and thank the Universe he is a very patient and understanding man. Travelling alone to be with friends, spending the night or weekend with Liat and Alora, and doing things as simple as grocery shopping on my own and going wherever I please. It's made a world of difference in my life, especially lately, and I'm no longer clutching Trevor's apron strings (lol! now isn't THAT a mental image!). I suddenly know a freedom that has no bounds other than lack of money, haha!
65. Get a cell phone.
Yeah, yeah, I'm the last young adult in western society to not own a mobile. But I'm no longer putting it off. I have my MIL's Blackberry Curve that I'm going to unlock and take in to Koodo to get a monthly plan. Having a mobile will increase my feeling of independence even more. I'm looking forward to getting to text my friends and use things like Foursquare. :)
86. Have coffee grounds or tea leaves read.
This is something I vowed to do this year after learning that Liat's mom has been reading coffee grounds for over two decades. Why not, I thought with a little shrug. I honestly don't know how much I believe in this world, but I do know there is far more than what meets the eye. Call it another plane that interacts with this one, or magick, or what have you, but there is something there. And I am open to almost anything.
Susie, Liat's mom, doesn't know me very well, but I absolutely adore her. She's a sweet little Israeli beauty full of spitfire and fun; a strong lady who recently fought breast cancer and not only won, but stomped it hard into the ground and set its remains on fire. For years Trevor has called her his second mom.
Her birthday was this past week, so on Sunday we had a little dinner party for her at Liat and Alora's place. After finishing our meal, Liat made Turkish coffee and I was instructed to put the saucer over the cup and turn them both over so that the cup was upside-down on top of the saucer. We waited a little while, then Susie picked up my cup and saucer and looked hard at them for a while, turning the cup this way and that and studying the patterns the coffee grounds had made.
She told me that hardships were ending, that things were about to make a turn for the better and that my incessant worrying would soon see relief. She said something good was coming, such as a job or a move, and that I have a very important (and good!) letter coming in two or three months' time. She said that I need to stay connected to the family I have deeply bonded with recently, and she saw that I had lost someone dear to me. When I told her my mom died last November and Dad back in 2009, she smiled and said they were okay and were watching over me. She concluded by saying that I am closely surrounded by many people who will raise me up in happiness and love, in particular three females who will help me the most.
So that was really interesting, I thought, and we'll see what comes of it. Especially the letter! I have an idea of what it might be, but again, we'll see.
My biomom shared a really nice graphic with me on Facebook earlier. It read:
"Live the life you want to live. Never be ashamed of anything. Make decisions. Make mistakes. If you fall, at least you fell because you tried. No regrets. It's life."
What a wonderful affirmation to help me clear the last of these black clouds in my mind and heart! We'll see what tomorrow brings, and I'm glad to be able to say that.